There is a season, turn turn turn(ip)

Of the hundreds of dishes at my family's Thanksgiving spread, one of my very favorites is my Mama Jo's turnip greens. I appreciate them more after living in AZ and MA, where for some weird reason, bitter greens aren't all that popular like they are in the south. (Wake up, people! Southerners know food! It's not by accident that Paula Deen is the Fairy Godmother of America's Growing Waistlines.)

Anyway, in honor of those tasty greens, and to celebrate the only successful crop to come out of my garden, I present you with the life cycle of the turnip:

1) Pre-plantation: Get all irritated because the only two home and garden stores in your town do not have seeds even though it's fall harvest planting time. Then, order them from a less stupid company.

2) Life is given: The seeds are planted and dazzling in their cuteness. (Holy crap! I made life! BEHOLD MY POWER!!!!! )

Soon, a little metal stake with two big dangling CDs grows alongside the turnips. A one-sided relationship forms in which the CDs get nothing in return but the turnips are protected from the sparrows who are notorious wusses when it comes to sparkly moving things.

3) Turnips continue to take take take. Meanwhile, the preemie carrots develop an inferiority complex and ultimately give up on life. Even though you sang "Carrot Suicide, Don't Do it!" to them.

4) "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

 5) Life is taken, or I brought you into this world and I can take you out!: Turnips are beheaded. And at the prime of their garden domination at that. The devastation.

6) Broken dreams. And turnip parts. All over your cutting board.

7) Turnip purgatory: cast iron skillet, sauteed onions, (fake) bacon, olive oil, salt, pepper, chili flakes, a little sugar, and a little veggie (or chicken) stock.

8) Rebirth! As something delicious! Hallelujah!



You can make and destroy your own turnips too! It's easy! But heed these tips:

*Harvest greens a little earlier than you want. It's really fun to watch them morph into hedges, but by the time they're that large, they'll be more bitter.

*But, if they do happen to be bitter, there's stuff you can do: a) simmer longer--the longer you cook, the less bitter; b) add a little sugar; c) throw in a potato. (Potatoes are renowned in the culinary community for their ability to turn vegetable frowns upside down.)