In which I say "wood" a lot

Despite the fact of the Yankees, I'm a fan of pretty much everything about baseball. So, of course we went to the Louisville Slugger Factory & Museum, another of the cool things about KY.

This seemed like a good sign that we were at the right place:

Insert "That's what she said!" joke here.

Right before our tour we were treated to a 20 minute overly sentimental and heavy handed documentary in which we learned that "the crack of the bat is the heart of the game." (See, I had thought it was all the man-on-man butt spanks). Anyway, I kept learning that "the crack of the bat is the heart of the game." (Umm, is this going to be on the test?)

Let me tell you something about the heart of the game: there's a whole lotta wood involved. Wood wood wood. Big, thick, special wood. (<- In case you missed "TWSS" joke opportunity #1!) Ash and Maple. From, like, very well-endowed tree farms where the tree farmers go to bed every night dreaming of a world in which every single baseball player of all levels uses only Louisville Slugger bats.

Unfortunately, I couldn't take pictures of all the wood. Cameras aren't allowed inside the factory. I got no "wood in action" shots.

Of course I had a meltdown right then upon learning this, as my Number One Plan for Great Success in Life had been to carefully document each and every step of making baseball bats so I could start my own bat-building company in my den and recreate the Louisville Slugger success and become The Queen of Baseball Bats and make a gillion dollars and surround myself with treasures like lots of manos de uruguay yarn and fancy boots and all the books I ever wanted and ride ponies and eat truffles all day and buy the Law and Order people some new, non-crappy writers so it can go back to actually being a good show like it was eight years ago, and...

So, yeah, my whole plan and all those hopes and dreams got smashed right then and there. But there were consolation prizes:

Fake dude fake-making bats! 

"What a firm bat you have, Mr. Other Fake Dude!"

Speaking of fugazis, here's me with everybody's favorite cryogenically frozen dead Red Sox. I bet you didn't know that Ted Williams was this ethnic! 

Here's something else I learned on my trip to Louisville Slugger: bats are shitty kissers.

This is about as genuine as it gets, though--Babe Ruth's home run notches! 

This tool's seen a lot of action. It's been around the block. It's really banged out a lot of home runs... 

After learning that I couldn't steal their baseball-bat making secrets for my own use, I got to hold Mickey Mantle's actual baseball bat. It felt really heavy and commanding in my hand, and sort of awe-inspiring. I practiced holding it over the plate. I was told my stance wasn't bad. And then I started getting ideas... 

New "Number One Plan for Great Success in Life"?

Watch out, Mayan-Sicilian Ted Williams, cause women are super awesome. And we really know how to work the wood.